chriscoscia07

I don't get it.  I just got back from the midnight showing of Harry Potter 6 (which was awesome btw) and I just had a really great night with my cousins.  But now I'm sitting here and am just ready to cry.  I don't know why or what about, that's just what I feel like doing.  But of course, I can't yet again.  I just really don't understand it.  It's happened before where I'll have a really great day then I come home and that's all I seem to feel, that's all I want to do is curl up somewhere and just cry my heart out.  But more often than not, there are no tears.  The obvious need and urge to cry is there, but the tears are all dried up.  I don't know, I really don't.  But what else can I do but write it down.
~CC

It has been way too long since I've updated I know.  So I'm officially a Junior and finished off my sophomore year with a 3.47 for the semester and a 3.51 cumulatively.  Alot has been going on and I've been dealing with it all.  Finally told D and he's been really supportive so that was a big relief.  But I'm still working on everything in my own way.  Still couldn't find a job, so I guess I'm taking the summer off but at least I'll be able to take my vacations, which I am looking very forward to.  So yeah, just wanted to do a quick update of my journal.  
~CC   

So the semester is finally over!!  I am so happy now that I can just relax a bit and not have to worry about waking up for 8 a.m. classes or studying for chemistry.  I got all my grades back, the last one was posted today.  I got an A- in Communications and Wellness; an A in Creative Writing; a B+ in Music Theory and a B in Chemistry.  So that puts my semester GPA at a 3.47.  So overall, I am quite pleased with myself.  MB really helped me to pull that music grade up and the creative writing was just a great class.  I'm just really glad that it' over and I can relax.  We're going to Aruba in January.  I get to see Mom's family on Christmas Eve and we get to see Aunt Carol on Christmas day.  I'm also planning a trip to Mary's so that I can see her before I go to Aruba and I'll get to spend New Year's with them.  So I am looking forward to a wonderful vacation.  I already kicked it off by going out with Sarah today (even in the snow).  The only thing left to do now is Chistmas shopping.  Yes I put it off again, but school was just way too busy. 

After showing my portfolio to the family, it became more real, more important, more special.  The fact that it really touched Mary and Bee to tears, really hit it home for me.  I'm really glad I wrote it and got all of those emotions down on paper and even more glad that I was able to share that with family.

The snow today was gorgeous.  I didn't love driving in it, but watching it fall in the morning before I left was awesome.  It's so peaceful and beautiful.  I love watching the lawns get blanketed with the crisp, clean layer of white.  Even better is the crunch beneath my feet.  I don't appreciate it enough.  I may complain about how cold it is and how difficult it is to drive in, but I really do enjoy the snow.  
~CC 

So I just finished writing this 10 page Drama (play) for creative writing.  I didn't really know what else to write a play about so I wrote about our last night with Mom.  I thought it might help me remember details or work through stuff or whatever, but I couldn't really remember any more than usual.  It was interesting though how I invented the details of the the conversations between mom and dad and mom and Marianna.  I don't think any of it is what was actually said, but I guess its my ideal version of it all.  I really thought this would help me to get some of these pent up tears out too, but no such luck. I'm looking forward to my session this Wednesday, to see what I can accomplish with Jamie.  She did say we would work on it.  So yeah, that's about it, just felt like putting this down somewhere. 
~CC

I just got back from another session.  It was interesting.  Since Sunday will be 6 years, I told Jaime about it.  I mentioned about being scared that I can't remember mom and that it seems like forever, almost like she was never here at all.  We talked alot about Marianna and our relationship, especially right after mom.  She thinks I should write a letter of what I want to say to her, even if it's just to show her, not necessarily to give to Marianna.  This weekend is going to be tough, but I will be seeing Chris and Sarah tomorrow, so that will be a good day.  I'm still a little bleh about the session and I'm still getting over this cold, so that doesn't help.  But I am glad that I'm finally saying this stuff and getting it out there.  Jaime is very committed and I'm really glad that things worked out and we could work together.  I know that alot of tears and emotions are coming and I think I'm finally ready for them.  So that's it for now, just had to put it in some kind of words. 
~CC          

     So I've been going to therapy for a little over a month (7 sessions in total) now.  My last session on this past wednesday was great.  We're finally moving into the stuff I had been expecting and hoping for us to talk about.  I showed Jaime the letters from and to Rose.  We talked about them and about Mom.  I'm so glad that I was able to get back in touch with Rose.  It was fun to hear a story about my mom when she was young.  I never got stories like that.  Jaime and I talked a little more about my mom and how I remember her and thought of her.  As painful as it can be sometimes, I kinda like remembering.  I told Chris all about this that night and she was really happy for me and with me.  I think she might be the only friend that would get as excited as me about something like this.  Mel is always supportive and all that, but Chris just has that enthusiasm that makes me feel like I'm not crazy to be happy over these sorts of things.   In a moment of I don't know what I blurted out (on our IM) "ya know what... I think I might like to tell you more about my mom.  If you're interested that is."   Of course she was, but thinking about it now, what would I tell her?  It's not that easy to just slip that kinda stuff into a conversation.  I told her that I felt that none of my H.S. friends knew [about] Mom(which they didn't) b/c they never got to meet her.  That really only Mel and the girls next door really knew her.  But I am glad that Chris is open to it and that I might be able to introduce her in some sense to Mom.  
    In other news, I'm going insane with work from creative writing and music.  My "real classes"- nursing and chem- are a bit hard, but don't have nearly as many assignments, although I should be studying every night for chem especially for my 1st test on Tuesday.  Music is just very confusing right now, but hopefully I can catch up and get back on track.  Creative writing is a great class and I'm enjoying it, it's just alot of writing in very short amounts of time and I haven't quite got my style figured out yet.  It has been a great way for me to think about mom as I incorporate her and my loss into my writing alot.  Most recently, we had to write about a funeral from 3 different perspectives, so of course for the 1st person, I chose to write it as "me" at mom's funeral.  It was interesting to see what things I remembered and those I could not.  So I am 3 weeks into my second year and things are pretty good so far.  I just hope and pray that I can keep up with everything and finish the semester and the year strong.   
~CC 

Well the traveling girl is finally home.  I've been in New Jersey, Lake George and San Francisco in the past 4 weeks.  I'll give more details and recounts of my wonderful summer getaways at a later date.  But as fun as all of my trips were, it's great to be home and it will feel so good to sleep in my own bed tonight. So yeah that was just a quick update to maintain that I am still here and checking my account.  
~CC 

So things have been going well.  Therapy is definatly starting to help.  It at least gives me time to look forward to where I can just talk to an objective person and relive my experience to continue mourning and healing.  I have been seeing the girls alot in the past week and it's always nice to spend time with them.  Now that July is here, I will be very busy traveling soon.  So I am very excited to start my away vacations.  This time away will keep me busy and having things to do keeps the depression at bay.  Things are good right now and I am looking forward to the rest of my summer and the opportunity to see and spend time with my family and friends.
~CC

 It's taken a while but i have finally been able to admit that I am depressed.  I've been feeling it for awhile, but because I was so aware of what the symptoms were and because I'm used to always being the strong one, I didn't want to consider it as an option or really fess up to it.  But now that I don't have school or work as a distraction, I'm home all day and I'm really feeling the change in mood and appetite and of course in my sleeping pattern.  So I am finally going to start therapy and really commit to it.  I need it and I realize that now.  I was able to discuss it with Murphy on the retreat and what she was a big help.  Just to be able to tell someone was a big step for me.  I told her how much I miss my mom and it just still hurts so much that she's not here.  The transition to college was especially hard.  But I am sure that thereapy will help.  It's time to help myself now.  I know it sounds selfish, but I spent years helping and doing for my whole family, it's time that I do this one thing for myself, for my own health and peace of mind.  
~CC   

Finally, I am done with school.  My first year of college is over, I really can't believe it.  It just went so fast. Next week is dad's surprize party and tomorrow is Marianna's graduation already.  I'm glad that school is done because I don't have to do hours upon hours of homework any more (for now at least) but with the end of the year goes my chance of therapy till next fall.  I'll get through it, I always do, but with the summer comes another Lake George vacation without mom.  She loved it up there as do we all.  Theresa will be coming with us again this year.  After her first try, it should be interesting.  But we'll see.  

I have really been missing mom though.  It's been a little tough.  Marianna is graduating, and I'm in college now on my own.  I don't really know what's been going on but there are changes going on that I have to sort out and I don't really know who I can talk to about them.  I really do love Theresa and she's been great to have around, but I miss mommy more than anything.  

My summer plans consist of relaxing, working, loosing weight and having fun on my vacations and hopefully visiting some family.  I'm just glad that the work is over for now.  I don't think next semester will be that terrible.  Chemistry might give me some problems, but I'm not too worried about my other classes and I'm excited to finally start my real nursing classes.  I'm really looking forward  to the intro to creative writing, because I think it'll help me get out  and be able to sort out alot of my feelings and memories etc. of mom.  So i'm looking forward to the summer and everything.    

~CC     

I took this silly philosophy class this semester and it has made me realize just how unsure I am in certain beliefs.  Writing these reaction papers to topics has been insane.  I literally sit here and summarize what I read about, then I need to say what my opinion is on the subject, what I believe.  I just finished the one on free will and as i'm thinking about it I realize just how contradictory my beliefs are.  But as I reasoned them out with Christina, I have come to terms that I am not crazy and that there are other people who believe basically the same thing.  We did agree that college is definitely the time that we should be looking at an examining ourselves and our beliefs to figure out just what it is that our beliefs are so that we can better live out lives by them.  So I've got three more years at the very least to figure this all out, and i'll probably be examining and re-examining them for the rest of my life.   
~CC

Sorry I haven't updated in a while.  I've been very busy with the end of the semester just a week or so away.  I'm just very stressed with alot of last minute papers and assignments and then studying for all of my Finals.  But I am glad that the summer is almost here and that the weather is so much nicer.   So yeah, that's about all for now.

~CC

I don't really know what the hell is the matter with me.  I'm just so tired and I feel like no one wants to be around me, especially Kristin.  I don't know what's come beteen us.  But ever since that fight, things just haven't been the same between us.  I definatly think that having almost all of our classes together this semester was a HUGE mistake, it's just too much time together and we get on each other's nerves very easily.  
Also, I really miss Mom.  This is probably one of the situations I would be going to her to talk about.  There's just no one to talk to.  No one to tell my problems to, at least no one who would understand.  I can't really talk to Dad that much and I can talk to Theresa, but not about this.  It's times like these when I really really want to go back to M.L. and know that I am liked and loved and needed and wanted.  I'm just very lonely and don't really know how to go about trying to make new friends.  As much as I'd like to, I just don't know what to do because I'm afraid of being rejected or getting really close to someone and having them leave or disappoint me.  I miss my true best friends, the ones I know I can rely on no matter what. The ones who will sit with me and get me to try and talk things out, not just try to cheer me up and make me forget about it.  I thought Kristin was one of them, but I just don't know anymore.  I don't know,... I'm very confused and at this point I'm just like WHATEVER!
~CC       

Today was a Beautiful day!  It was so nice outside.  The birds were singing,the sun was shining,  there was that wonderful Spring smell in the air and it was awesome.   I loved it, it put me in such a good mood.  I was singing and had my windows open while I was driving.  I even sat outside with my buddies next door to do some homework.  Plus I registered for my classes for next semester and I got all the classes that I wanted.  And now I'm eating Oreos.  So, all around, it was a great day.  I'm soooo glad that Spring has finally sprung.    

~CC